When I got sober everyone was quick to point out I would need a “spiritual experience” and “conscious contact with a higher power” in order to survive. I thought I was screwed. How was this voluntarily lost soul going to get spiritual? The truth is my definition of spirituality, like most peoples, was outdated. Today I can honestly say that I have had a spiritual experience. There was nothing supernatural or religious about it; that was not necessary for my sobriety. But my life has gone through a great change and it has made me a better and more hopeful individual.
First, allow me to share the new age definition I found that really helped me in the beginning:
Spirituality: The deepest values and meanings by which one lives
This definition put everything is such a simple perspective. Before I got sober I did not live my life by any values and the meaning was nothing more than survival. After I left my chult (my pet name for my church/cult) I just threw everything out the window. I felt abandoned and rejected and wanted to sit in my self-pity, licking my wounds and blaming everyone for my position in life. I drowned in my alcohol trying to escape any feelings that might rise and after several years of sliding deeper and deeper into this pit of despair I finally hit my bottom.
As I neared the end of my descent, I discovered meditation which became the first true ray of light to break through the darkness. My spirit of hope was reborn and I began to allow myself to feel emotions I had suppressed for decades, since I was a young child. However, though I was enjoying the clear mind and lowered anxiety that meditation brings, it was not enough to calm the screaming obsession of alcohol. If I couldn’t drink I wanted prescription drugs and if that didn’t work then I wanted sex. I do believe that alcohol sets off a physical craving in an addicts brain; however, there is also a separate obsession of the mind to use any means of escape possible.
For three months I used meditation and spiritual readings to keep me sober, but my other activities shot up. (I don’t want to mislead, my dealings with drugs have been light, more of a substitute when alcohol was not available. However to any adults who have anti-axiety meds, sleeping pills, pain killers, pretty much most prescription drugs, dear god PLEASE make sure those are locked away and not just sitting in your medicine cabinet. The addicts of the world will thank you when we use your restroom and realize there’s nothing for us to steal.) Anyway, I began turning to other means to escape the feelings creeping out from the rock I had stuffed them under. My actions were incredibly harmful to those in my life, but I was convinced that my new “spiritual enlightenment” meant that they were the lost ones and my wasn’t I forgiving for being patient with them.
Eventually though I drank again. I had been sober exactly 100 days and figured that was a great reason to celebrate. This went on for another 6 months during which time I lost my relationship, my home, and many friends. Along with increased financial debt and my job hanging on by a thread I was broken. In typical addict fashion I planned out my suicide and considered killing myself before finally deciding to get help first. That’s when I walked into a 12 step program and had my spiritual experience.
The reality that I was an absolute, selfish jackass stung a little at first. I spent months crying about what a horrible person I was while those with more sobriety rolled their eyes and waited for me to get over myself. But as my mind cleared and I listened to the stories of others, I learned that I did not have to be this person. Yes my self-absorption had caused me to throw out most of my morals and values. And no I didn’t bring back ALL of the teachings of my childhood. But honesty, open-mindedness and willingness were a start.
Today I can say with strong confidence that a principled life is the key to happiness and success. The addict in me reaches for instant gratification, but the spiritualism I continue to develop reminds me to first weigh outcome and consequence. A humanist approach to life forces me to think of others and not only myself. Humility, love, acceptance, and altruism are some of the values I have chosen to adopt. Truthfully these do not always come naturally to me though I am ashamed to admit it. As for the meaning of life, I find meaning in helping others and being loyal to those close to me. Life meant nothing to me before I got sober and allowed spirituality to guide me. Today I WANT to live, I WANT to make a difference, I WANT to inspire and help others to live a full and happy life. That is one reason I started this blog. I believe politicized religion is very harmful as opposed to personalized religion. So I created an outlet to discuss and address many of the issues that political religion creates in our world today. It’s also a way for those who feel ostracized by their lack of belief to come together.
If you’re struggling with addiction, please get help. There is a way out. Check out recovery.org or call their hotline 1-888-499-8846. If you’re struggling with depression then call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255. If you just need to talk then reach out to a friend or confidant and be honest about where you’re at. If you’re a recovering alcoholic or addict and you don’t like how religious your program seems then check out aaagnostica.org , aabeyondbelief.org or smartrecovery.org .And most importantly, don’t let your fears or misgivings stop you from bettering yourself. If I had let the “god talk” in my recovery program stop me from getting the help I needed then I wouldn’t be writing this post today.
I hope every person finds a spiritual path regardless of which direction it guides them. Living our lives by values and meaning will bring about a greater peace on earth.
The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren, and to do good is my religion. – Thomas Paine